The Ticking Clock Struck...

It has been an emotional week for me.  Ever since the day I was put on the high levels of pain medication and my legs stop working normally, I knew this day would come if the Lord didn't undertake.  Every time I opened my wallet and saw it sitting there like a big ticking time clock counting away the days until I would have to turn it in.  This week it finally happened, I turned in my driver's licenses.  When you are no longer able to drive because of a physical limitation they do what is called a 'downgrade' and your driver's licenses then becomes a personal ID card.

For some reason I saw the renewal date on my license as a infamous date that lingered somewhere out there as the cut-off, the date when I should have received my healing...  Maybe my trepidation is rooted in nothing more than the dread of having to retake my driver's test in order to reinstate my license when I am physically able to drive again, or maybe it is something far deeper.  Maybe it has to do with questioning my faith.

Every time I saw the license in its special place in the front of my checkbook cover inside my wallet it seemed to just taunt me.  If I wasn't healed by the end of 2011, there was no way they were going to let me do a simple renewal.  There was the added issue of needing to be registered as disabled so if the fire department or the police should look up our building, they would know I was in a high rise and would need additional help to vacate the building.  It was just the smart thing to do but I have to admit it was hard.

After trying once before and not being let in the door of the DMV due to a unkind security guard, we decided to go to Sussex County where we still have a house.  There I was met with such kindness.  I hate to admit it but they had to wait to take a new picture since I was crying.  I was blessed to have a very special lady who took care of me, her name was Denise and she worked with the disabled herself.  She was so kind and talked me through the whole thing.  She gave me a lot of encouragement and helped me to remember, this didn't have to the last said on the subject.  After my embarrassing breakdown in front of the camera at the DMV, and after the picture was taken and I was handed my new ID Card and oddly I found there was a sense of relief.  The deed was done and the clock stopped ticking.  God was no longer on my arbitrary timeline linked to my driver's license.

Since going through this ordeal, I have talked to others who have been thrown into a life altering disease and who have also held claim to the last remnants of their old 'normal' life with a vengeance.  It's a fine line between accepting your new circumstances and continuing to have faith to believe for a miracle.  It's a hard place to be and the lines are fuzzy and frayed.  I think, for me, I've come to believe for my family's sake and for my sanity, I have to adapt as much as possible to the new circumstances I now find myself and yet hold on for the miracle.  No matter what, I will not being going back to the life I had before, there is too much altered, not just in my body but also in my mind.  I have become a different person through travails of four years of steady pain, a mastectomy and legs that no longer work.  While a miracle could give me back my mobility, there are parts like my frame of mind and my breast that will not return to normal and thus, I will be a different person.

I pray that through these experiences, I will change for the better.  I pray I will be more sympathetic and more attentive to others needs.  God has a plan for me and my job is to find it in the mist of the tears.  Maybe part of this growth was giving up my driver's licenses and through it I will better be able to understand the loss of others.  Through each aspect of this disease, I have grown, and I know God will continue to shape and mold me so good can come from tragedy and all of this will not be for nought.

May God Bless and Keep You in His Grace,