A Shell of My Own...

     I must apologize for allowing so much time to pass since my last entry.  As it would be, I took a treatment for my conditions, and as many of you can relate, afterwards I found myself grasping for normalcy in life again.  To be more specific in this case, the ability to string two words together in a way that is concise and coherent enough for the reader to understand and absorb my point….failed me.  The fact I was in this state has led me to my blog topic. 

     Recently my husband and I went on date night.  It is something we have always tried to do since we got married.  Just spend time together without the children, whom we love and have sacrificed everything for in life, it is just sometimes, we need each other.  Our particular love is to go to movies, and more specifically, Sci-Fi.  It is one of our favorite pastimes.  This was a greatly anticipated evening because ‘Ghost in the Shell’ was finally made into a full feature movie.  I know there is a lot of controversy over the particulars of the film but I was more intrigued by the concepts in the story.  As the movie began, we were riveted with the tale.  It was well adapted and the technology and graphics were spectacular, however, along the way I found myself less and less drawn into the movie and more and more fighting back envy. 

     I was already having a difficult few weeks as my symptoms have been heightened and I was in a great deal of pain.  For the most part, I have learned to manage my symptoms but there are those days where no amount of pain control can help.   I was lamenting the fact I must deal with these symptoms literally every second of my life and was generally in a bit of a pity-party.  You know, one of those, ‘Poor Lynne…. Poor Lynne’ days.  So, as we watched the story progress, I became engrossed in the idea of what it would be like if you could just repair a body.  To have my own shell.  I have to admit to fighting back the tears at the thought.

     The basics of the story is about an injured woman who has her brain transferred to an organically manufactured body that could be repaired when damaged.  In the story, she became a soldier, an assassin, not really something that I would include on my bucket-list, but the idea of a completely repairable body left my mind pondering more and more on the possibilities, and less on the story.  If only it were that easy…..If only it were possible.  The idea my legs could be repaired so I could walk again, or my nervous system could be corrected so I no longer felt pain all the time, or the results of my mastectomy could be reversed… it would be a dream come true.  Of course, this isn’t feasible, it is science fiction.  If it were real, I could even request a shell to be shaped like Scarlett Johansson, which is an appealing thought as I am now approaching 50.  Yet, if it ever were to be potentially viable to any extent, it would be decades in the future.  It is a pipe dream for me but it was impossible to not dwell on the possibilities. 

     I have learned to live with restrictions and even found ways to overcome and excel despite them, but there are those times when you just wish there was a way to become whole again.  To have a shell of my own.  But then, there are things that come with being human, and fallible, that would not come any other way.  The fact each day is not promised, or that we are mortal, and break, gives us compassion and concern for others.  I wonder if I would truly trade all of this, everything my body has gone through, all that I am today, to go back to being what I was when I was whole.  I wonder.  The temptation would be great but what I have learned, in the state I am now, is far too precious to waste on that young selfish girl I once was.  Sometimes, what we learn without a shell of our own, what changes in us as we face adversity, makes the frailty of being so human worth it all.  Sometimes, it makes some of us, more useful in this world.

Serenity in Fiber,



  1. I felt the same way during the movie. I would give my eye teeth for a body that doesn't fail me, to live life without pain, even have some of my memory wiped. I'd give all of it away if I could run in the forest again, snowshoe in the winter, even enjoy the cold winter again and bask i the sun.

    The car wreck and this stupid illness has taken so much away from me. I'm tired. I want my active, pain-free life back.

    1. Dear K, I truly understand what you mean. I think I could have handled growing old. That would have been okay. I don’t mind gray hair, or wrinkles, or all that comes with aging, but when your body has been stolen from you, that is hard to face each day. It is frustrating, it is stifling, and yes, it makes you a kind of tired you have to live to understand. I so appreciate your comment. It is wonderful to hear from you. I don’t know if you like fiber or not, but we would love to have you join us at Healing Fibers on Facebook. We have a group where we all support each other, there is almost always someone online during those dark hours. If you are interested, we would love to have you stop by and see us… https://www.facebook.com/groups/healingfibersgroup/ You don’t have be interested in knitting, crochet, spinning, weaving, or just fiber in general, we would love to have you join us regardless. Serenity in Fiber, Lynne


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